Parshat Vayishlach - Not Making It Personal
by Rabbi Lobel

“And it was when Israel was dwelling in that land (Migdal Eder) and Reuben went and laid with Bilah, the concubine of his father; and Jacob heard, and the children of Jacob were twelve”. (Verse 35: 22)

Based upon the Gemora in Shobbos (55: 2), Rashi explains the posuk as follows: Jacob’s home was always primarily with Rachel, his dearest wife. However, after the death of Rachel it seemed as though Jacob was to live with Bilah, Rachel’s maidservant and Jacob’s concubine. Reuben, Leah’s son, concerned for his mother’s feelings, moved Jacob’s bed to his mother’s tent. The torah considered his action so severe that it was as if Reuben actually lay with Bilah.
 
But wait. The Gemora in Shobbos (55: 2) adds a caveat. “Reb Shmuel the son of Nachmeini in the name of Reb Yonason says, ‘whoever would say that Reuben sinned is only mistaken, as the verse testifies ‘and the children of Jacob were twelve.’”

Reuben’s action was so reprehensible that the torah says he actually lay with his father’s wife, yet, Reb Shmuel says he never sinned. How can this be?

Reuben knew his mother’s pain at not being loved like her sister Rachel. He acted in haste to preserve Leah’s dignity and inadvertently injured his father. There was no sin. However, a person of Reuben’s stature should have known better. When G-d looked at what Reuben did, he was looking at Reuben, not an anonymous person, but Reuben, Jacob’s firstborn, father of the tribe that bears his name, and an extraordinarily righteous individual. For such a person, this indiscretion was severe indeed and the torah records it as such.

As for Jacob,  the Ramban says (35:22) “[we see] the humility of Jacob, as soon as he heard that his son, Reuben, had violated his dwelling place, he did not remove him from his house nor did he disown him from the will; rather, the verse states that ‘the children of Jacob were twelve.’” The Ramban praises Jacob for his humility.

But how does this concern Jacob’s humility. Either Reuben deserved to be punished or he didn’t? What’s the connection? The Ramban’s point must be that Jacob could have been offended by Reuben trying to dictate where, and with whom, Jacob should sleep. Yet, in his humility, Jacob never became angry.

Anger is a harmful emotion. It causes a person to lose control, clouds judgment, and seeks revenge. Jacob never became angry because his humility had overcome a key ingredient in anger – the ego. The ego demands that the world be about “me.” But Jacob understood completely, on every level, that the world was not about him and so did not become angry from Reuben’s actions.

Yes, Reuben should have known better and the Torah harshly criticizes him. But, as we see from Jacob, some things don’t need to become personal.